A Win-Win Marriage
/We all know the metaphor of putting your airplane face-mask on before the child’s face-mask, so I’ll start there.
With self-compassion, you’ve taken care of yourself first.
Because it’s such an obvious radical upgrade, it naturally becomes the first place you go for a solution. Self-compassion becomes a spontaneous go-to at those moments when your relationship is challenging.
Like the face mask metaphor, self-care gives you the ability to breathe. Once you can breathe, you can take care of those around you.
Women often feel like they’re so busy caring for everyone else. They forget to take care of themselves.
Taking care of others without self-care creates burn out.
“I take care of everyone but no one takes care of me,” was one of my core complaints before I took up self-compassion is my main relational survival skill.
When I became the CEO of my self-care, I gained the capacity to ask for help.
Asking for help appropriately, means I am not forcing anyone to care about me. I am not so overdue for help, or so uncomfortable asking, that I am angry by the time I make a request.
Instead, I’m really good at inviting them to help me so they WANT to.
With self-compassion arguments become problem-solving opportunities.
Once I’ve taken the time for self-compassion, it’s natural for me to open my heart for my intimate partner. I can hear his point of view.
Our relationship is exciting and intimate when I can hear his point of view. I love this part. The conversation becomes one of finding solutions that work for everyone.
I never expect (or require) him to hear my point of view.
Our current cultural definition of love —“does he care about me”— is a trap that creates disconnection. The requirement that the other person agrees with your point of view prevents spontaneous authentic connection.
No requirement for agreement makes it easier to simply hear another person’s point of view.
Also, compassion can be inauthentic when it’s a requirement. Beware of love as something you’re ‘supposed’ to do.
The last thing you want to do is crush your genuine heart opening expression of love.
When you attempt compassion (as opposed to self-compassion) with a heart that fears burn out, it is fake compassion. Because your heart and ears are halfway closed, the next steps, the solutions, are not going to be effective.
Interconnected….
Perhaps it seems paradoxical that self-compassion makes it obvious that you are interconnected. Your open heart is the center of your universe from which you connect to all of humanity.
Also importantly, it doesn’t mean you are ‘nice’ all the time, by any means.
Maybe the optimal situation calls for you to say 'no' even if your intimate partner doesn't like it. With self-compassion, you have the courage.
Even sometimes you are in a circumstance where the optimal solution is wrath. Wrath is anger based on love.
For example, one time when a co-worker was repeatedly raging at me, I kept saying the words, “This is not acceptable.” But the words had no impact.
After making self-compassion primary, when I said the exact same words— “This is not acceptable”—she heard me. I said the exact same words, but my voice and attitude had a very different tone. She paused with a surprised look on her face, walked away and never raged at me again.
With self-compassion your communication becomes clear. A woman who don’t tend to speak up, finds she has more capacity to say what needs saying. Those who speak too quickly, find they have more discernment.
When self-compassion is the go-to, you don’t make choices based on the need to relieve the discomfort of the moment, your discomfort or your partners.
You no longer find yourself speaking in question marks rather than periods. You no longer find yourself softening your voice or feeling you have to smile so he doesn't feel threatened.
Because self-compassion learns from bad feelings and situations, it transforms the situation and communication becomes more about hearing the other’s perspective. You're no longer having the same fights over and over.
Compassion for your intimate partner is automatic once you prioritize self-compassion.
Your capacity for authentic spontaneous compassion is directly correlated with your capacity for self-compassion.
