How does self-compassion clean-up a polluted marriage?

"I take care of everyone. But no one takes care of me," was one of my chief complaints.

My marriage was in bad shape.

Until I took up self-compassion as my main relational survival skill, I didn't know how to ask for help.

When I became the CEO of my own self-care, I was able to ask for help appropriately.

Let me say this—a win-lose marriage doesn't exist.

It's never true that one person wins an argument while another loses.

Either everyone is a winner OR everyone is a loser.

We are learning as a species how this is true globally—that we all win together, or we all lose.

Because a marriage is such a small eco-system, the win-lose mentality pollutes it quickly.

Your fates are so tied together, a marriage is so intimate. It's obvious when the marriage becomes a polluted ecosystem.

And you know when your marriage has become polluted.

We pollute our marriages entirely by mistake because we use old-style communication skills, which we learned growing up in our win-lose culture.

For example, because I didn't know how to get help, I would become angry. I avoided asking for help because I hated sounding angry or bossy.

But avoiding asking for help, that didn't work at all. I just got more and more resentful. So by the time I said something, for sure I sounded angry and bossy.

Then we'd argue, further polluting our marriage.

And I certainly didn't get the help I wanted.

How to ask effectively? Self-care, self-compassion, was the key that unraveled this mystery that had eluded me.

With self-compassion, I soothe myself until I know I'll be fine regardless of the outcome. Because I've spent time caring for myself, suddenly, I can feel some gratitude toward him. I'm calm and content enough that I no longer want to force or control the situation.

I don't approach giving feedback until I'm ready to approach the conversation with calmness, openness or curiosity.

What was once an argument in my mind has become a problem-solving opportunity.

Once I've taken some time for self-compassion, I naturally open my heart to my intimate partner. Now I can hear his point of view.

Our relationship is exciting and intimate when I can hear his point of view. I love this part.

If things become tense, we can take a break and come at it again.

Whatever was driving me crazy is no longer the main point. Now, it's about maintaining our relationship and pioneering new communication skills.

I feel happy and proud when we're resolved, even if it didn't resolve the way I thought it 'should.'

When I can ask peacefully, it's so much more likely I get the help I was originally looking for.

But also, I'm equally excited if it doesn't resolve the way I thought it 'should' because it means I heard him deeply, was able to open myself to his perspective.

The openness to change my mind, to hear his point of view, for me, is like learning something new. It's mind-expanding and thrilling.

We become so close when we're able to talk something through like this.

Our marriage feels clear and open. No more pollution. Now we are close and have trust.

We've expanded our intimacy.