Self-Compassion Creates Courage for Boundaries

In order to set boundaries with our loved ones, we need to be brave.

Brene Brown says, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."

I'm going to suggest that we are the ones that are really hard on ourselves.

Disappointing others is nowhere near as scary as disappointing ourselves.

Where does bravery come from?

We become ferocious when we practice self-compassion because we're willing to feel bad feelings when we have a self-compassion practice.

Even if we feel shame, even if we feel anxiety, fear, whatever we feel, we still love ourselves.

We really gain bravery when we have a self-compassion practice because we find comfort in being with our negative feelings.

So whatever we're feeling. If we're feeling fear, for example, there's a comforting feeling that comes with loving our own fear.

And that's when the bravery becomes automatic.

Courage grows, when we're willing to hang in there with ourselves regardless of what feelings we're having.

We're going to give ourselves radical self-acceptance, unconditional love, regardless of any negative feelings, jealousy, hatred, fear, anxiety, shame, you name it, you're going to love yourself, regardless.

We are raised to feel self-esteem. But the problem with self-esteem is it has the dark underbelly of self-criticism. We're raised to like ourselves when we have positive feelings and criticize ourselves when we have negative feelings.

One reason why self-compassion is so radical is that it's based on the idea that human beings need love rather than critical ism, as a way to motivate them and function.

Do you believe that human beings are flawed and they need criticism like a whip to get them to behave properly? Or do you believe that when human beings are feeling vulnerable, they just need love and encouragement?

It's really one or the other, you're either going to rely on fear as a way to motivate yourself and the people around you. Or you're going to believe in love as a way to motivate yourself and the people around you. You can't do both.

You can't live in both worlds. In order to learn how to love yourself unconditionally and to stop criticizing yourself, you have to choose.

Do you love yourself? Or do you love yourself until you do something that you don't approve of and then you're going to lambaste yourself with criticism?

When we need to set boundaries with our loved ones, there are so many negative feelings that can arise—anger, hatred, fear rejection.

Our self-criticism truly is what stops us in our tracks.

When we love ourselves, unconditionally, we no longer have a fear of rejection, either by others or by ourselves.