Is It Possible to be a Couple that Never Argues?

Is it really possible to be a couple that never argues?

 Pretty much, or if you do, argue, because it is a process, at least you know that you’re lapsing into an old-style thinking.

 You have a new way of understanding what causes arguments.

 In the old way of understanding what love is we have the idea that you're supposed to agree with the other person or care about them when they have bad feelings or help them out through their hard times or remember your anniversary.

 There are so many obligations that you're supposed to have that actually end up killing the spontaneous generosity and love in a relationship.

 Obligations are not a good way to connect with somebody or have intimacy.

 I'm certainly not saying that you don't care about the other person.

 It's just when it becomes an obligation that it is the beginning of the end for a relationship.

 When we first meet the other person, everything is generously given.

 It's not an obligation.

 And everything is rapturously received.

 In our old-style way of understanding what love is, love means agreeing on the same opinions.

 Now in the 21st century, the new way of understanding this is, love means agreeing to disagree.

 For me, the old-style way now just seems like holding the other person hostage, more than it seems like a useful way to live. together and let love beautifully spontaneously grow and thrive.

 This is actually the cause for all marital arguments.

 We misunderstand each other.

 Ninety percent of the time when we think we know what the other person is thinking, we actually have no idea.

And they're not going to be able to tell us in a context that's tense.

 So, if you relax all expectations they can actually tell you what their experience was. It seemed possibly like it was unfriendly but actually their intention was something perfectly friendly.

 We really have to let go of all the rules we have for how another person supposed to behave.

 Our society is becoming much less rule oriented. We used to have a top-down culture where we could try to follow rules.

 The rules just don't work anymore, and people are becoming much more interested in following their own unique moment-by-moment understanding of what their path needs to be.

 So, it's not a good idea anymore to try to even understand somebody when they just are going through their own unique path.

 The best way to support somebody is to believe in their unique path. Believe that they're a unique individual that has information that may not even be expressible, but they know what to do in each moment that makes sense to their life.

 Harvard psychologist Robert Keegan calls this a transition from a socialized state of mind to a self-led state of mind.

 In the socialized state of mind we believe “I follow the rules.”

 In a self-led mate state of mind, we believe “I have an identity. I make my own choices.”

 We don't need to even really understand their point of view anymore.

 We get to just trust them and love them and be a life-companion, without trying to understand.

 Without obligation the intimacy becomes easeful.

 And you don't need to ask anybody, “Why would you do that?”

 We don’t need to try to understand why somebody would try to do something, because it turns out that the question “Why would you do that is a critical question. You're basically criticizing somebody, when you ask them “Why would you do that ?”

 You can be interested in their point of view for fun.

But it's not the way arguments can be solved ever.

 If you find that you're reacting rather than responding to the other person, it means you have an inside job to do.

 It means that you need to take some time for self-compassion.

 Take some time, for snuggling yourself up in bed or in a hot bath and taking some time to find out why you're reacting.

 That opens up and that's useful information that, maybe, you might want to share with the other person.

 It might be connecting to share that information once you've calmed down, once you are feeling at peace.

 All these endless fights that we've all been having that never get resolved. They become grudges that we hold against the other person forever.

 All of these fights are now something that it's our responsibility to let go of.

 Or find the solution to, or figure out why it's triggering us.

 At least we know where to go to find the solution.

 Once you know where to go for the solution, which is inside, and you see how much better the inside information works to move your life forward, to move the problem forward, to find a solution, you really begin to trust that arguing is not the way to move your life forward anymore.

 Does that make sense?

It's really that simple.