The Quick Fix

The quickest clean-up for a polluted marriage, the quick fix.

It's funny now. Or sad. Or both….

Michael and I both agreed that since I was an expert—a professional psychologist, coach, and a big meditator—I should figure out all the family's problems.

And then simply tell him what to do.

He had other stuff to do. He was busy running a business.

So, he delegated the job of 'figuring out life' to me.

Lots of families have similar agreements that the wife is the expert of the children, the family psychologist, and the spiritual heart of the family.

Comedians joke about this. In fact, there are whole sitcoms based on this joke, that the man should 'just do what the wife says.'

But Byron Katie says:

"I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God's"

I didn't know I was that I wasn't minding my own business.

I didn't know it, but I was infantilizing him.

Even though so many women take on this role—it's actually not healthy for the guy or the relationship.

Not surprisingly, he disconnected from me in a million little ways. He felt irritated and unappreciated. He was depressed and lost his confidence.

A criticism here, a sarcastic look, an eye rolled, an argument — before we knew it, we are living in misery.

No intimacy, no romance, no sex. Our relationship was polluted.

We had polluted it through poor communication skills.

Poor problem-solving skills.

Quite unconsciously.

When I stopped treating him like a child, he naturally wanted to be responsible.

QUICK FIX: CLEAN UP YOUR ECOSYSTEM AND LOVE THRIVES

It works almost immediately—if you stop giving life suggestions, critiquing, bossing, controlling, figuring out, psychoanalyzing your intimate partner. Stop thinking you know what they need to do.

When they ask you, simply say, "Whatever you think."

Because his life, his choices, ACTUALLY ARE "whatever he thinks." His choices are the only ones that will make his life work. If you wish for him to make optimal choices, this is the best approach.

No two of us are meant to make the same choices along the way.

Each of us has our own individual lessons to learn along the way.

Obviously—THIS IS TRUE FOR BOTH OF YOU.

If your inner-knowing is your best compass, the same is true for everyone else as well.

Your intimate partner can't find his inner-voice if you are talking over it.

If you want a quickie fix—this is it. Try just this for a few weeks and see the transformation.

Non-critiquing, no suggestion, is so fundamental that it works quickly.

The love was there all along. But you can't grow a garden in polluted soil.

Love needs a healthy environment in which to thrive, and then it can thrive quite naturally.

If you simply stop, have a self-imposed moratorium—you will be amazed at how fast things change for the better in your marriage.

SIMPLY STOPPING critiquing is NOT going to give you the capacity for self-compassion or the capacity to connect deeply with your intimate partner—but it will be the biggest, fastest change you will see.

THIS IS THE QUICK FIX. It is the quickest clean-up for a polluted marriage.

Believing in Our Goodness

We really need to have a revolution of believing in ourselves and believing in our goodness.

Internal Family Systems therapy is a psychology that actually says that human beings are entirely good.

I wanted to make a quick video to explain to people who aren't psychologists, what's important to understand about Internal Family Systems therapy.

It even has too long of a name, and the name is too hard to understand or explain. So I'm not going to bother.

It's very popular among young psychologists. One of the things that is so exciting about it is that it has a very large spiritual component.

There really are some important differences about it, compared to other psychologies that I think are really important to just generally understand.

So the first ones I want to talk about is there's something called the True Self otherwise known in IFS as the Authentic Self, which is entirely good, and it heals all the other parts.

As we come to understand that we are entirely good and let the True Self shine its care on all our various misinformed parts that we've used to get through life the way it currently is structured, or the way we believe it to be currently structured, these parts relax.

The parts are parts that you have created to protect yourself from misinformation, from the misinformation that you're not entirely good that everything you do isn't perfect, just the way it is.

Dick Swartz, who's at Harvard, has conducted scientific studies to validate that IFS actually works. He conducted a study among arthritis patients and proved that it improved their pain levels.

Okay, in IFS, there are basically the Authentic Self, which some people draw it as if it were a separate part.

But it's not a part and includes all the parts, and it takes care of all the parts.

So basically, the only parts you need to understand are two protector parts. And they have different names, Firefighter and Manager, and the Exile, which is a wounded part of us.

You can think of it as a child, and these two Protector parts, which are trying to protect the pain of the wounded child.

We created these parts because of the misunderstanding that we're not entirely perfect, that we're not entirely good just the way we are.

So we created these parts, the Manager is trying to be little Ms. Perfect, keeping everybody else under control, keeping ourselves under control, dotting the i's and crossing the t's.

Say you're on a diet, that's always my favorite example.

You're measuring your food, you're exhausted of being on the diet, you're doing it perfectly, it's uncomfortable, but you're doing it anyway.

And then there's the Firefighter; it's called the Firefighter because it is a hero. And yet, just like firefighters, it'll come into your home and break your windows, smash up your doors, throw water all over the whole entire place, soak up your couch, in an emergency will do whatever is called for in an emergency to take care of the situation.

All of the parts of you that might seem annoying, usually we favor the Manager, and we're annoyed with the Firefighter.

Usually, we do things like if we're on a diet, we eat the chocolate cake because we're exhausted.

Or because the Exile is threatened, somebody, something some situation is getting us too close to experiencing some pain that our Exile had. So we'll eat the whole chocolate cake.

The Manager is exhausting. And we need some relaxation. And we don't have good resources for another way to relax. So we eat the chocolate cake.

So what I want to say is all these parts are balancing each other. They're all doing their best. They all mean well. And they all have important functions.

It's not like there's a good part of you and a bad part of you.

That's the part I'm trying to emphasize—every single part of you has a purpose and has a function and means well, and is doing its best.

And the other thing I want to say is that True Self is the real you.

It's not a part of you; these other parts have been constructed, because we were trained that we weren't behaving properly, we need to do better.

We create these parts to hide our pain, try to be little Ms. Perfect.

And then of course there is the necessary Little MS. Imperfect, that has to balance it out it you couldn't be Little MS. Perfect without level Miss Imperfect.

So one thing I want to tell you is if you don't like your little Ms. Imperfect, if that part of you is driving you crazy, understand that it's balanced with a part of you, that you think is the good part.

So stop thinking the good part's so awesome. Stop thinking that the imperfect part is the problem.

And start to understand that the good part of you and the bad part of you are actually in balance with each other.

If the bad part of you the quote-unquote bad part of you is driving you crazy, you might want to look to the good part of you and see how she's driving you crazy,

The more you step into understanding that you are entirely all good and that this part of you, knowing this thing that you are all good, that is a part of you that heals.

Knowing that the bad part of you is all good, knowing that the good part of you means well—is doing her very level best.

Okay, so far we've got, you're all good, you have a True Self that is all good and can heal all your various other parts, simply by loving them, and seeing how they mean well.

Also, that we shouldn't take our parts exactly the way they present themselves like one's naughty, one's good, I think we should take that with a big grain of salt.

And so the third thing I want to talk about is the Exile, which we keep under wraps,

We keep her, or him, very protected with the Manager and the Firefighter.

And my recommendation is to leave them protected. If that part of you wants to hide out, I highly suggest that you let it hideout.

Psychology can be very banal sometimes when it thinks we need to dig in and get the wounded part out and love it so that it's okay. Just let it be.

That's my suggestion. I suggest just loving your Manager and your Firefighter.

When your Manager and your Firefighter have relaxed, they know what to do with the Exile that will be absolutely perfect.

All of these parts, the Protectors and the Exile all have great resources that we're not sufficiently using because we erroneously have bad information that we need to get ourselves to behave.

These parts have some of the best-hidden resources, our strengths and wisdom, and fun.

Because we don't know that we're entirely good and we don't shine this knowing on ourselves sufficiently.

We are missing out on all the riches of all these parts of ourselves. And we could totally relax and just trust ourselves and that would let those parts show us the way to be, that's more relaxed and has all kinds of resources that we have tightened into controlling us.

I actually work with women to improve their intimate relationship. I work from the perspective that your intimate relationship is only as good as your relationship with yourself.

For example, the Manager is a part that we are inclined to think is doing a good job but actually women tend to over-manage in their lives in a way that can create a lot of problems in their intimate relationships because it makes the other person feel like there's something wrong with them if they need to be managed.

My name is Felicity Minerva, peacelovemarriage.com.

Please sign up for my newsletter to learn more about how to clean up the ecosystem of your intimate relationship.

Self-Compassion Creates Courage for Boundaries

In order to set boundaries with our loved ones, we need to be brave.

Brene Brown says, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."

I'm going to suggest that we are the ones that are really hard on ourselves.

Disappointing others is nowhere near as scary as disappointing ourselves.

Where does bravery come from?

We become ferocious when we practice self-compassion because we're willing to feel bad feelings when we have a self-compassion practice.

Even if we feel shame, even if we feel anxiety, fear, whatever we feel, we still love ourselves.

We really gain bravery when we have a self-compassion practice because we find comfort in being with our negative feelings.

So whatever we're feeling. If we're feeling fear, for example, there's a comforting feeling that comes with loving our own fear.

And that's when the bravery becomes automatic.

Courage grows, when we're willing to hang in there with ourselves regardless of what feelings we're having.

We're going to give ourselves radical self-acceptance, unconditional love, regardless of any negative feelings, jealousy, hatred, fear, anxiety, shame, you name it, you're going to love yourself, regardless.

We are raised to feel self-esteem. But the problem with self-esteem is it has the dark underbelly of self-criticism. We're raised to like ourselves when we have positive feelings and criticize ourselves when we have negative feelings.

One reason why self-compassion is so radical is that it's based on the idea that human beings need love rather than critical ism, as a way to motivate them and function.

Do you believe that human beings are flawed and they need criticism like a whip to get them to behave properly? Or do you believe that when human beings are feeling vulnerable, they just need love and encouragement?

It's really one or the other, you're either going to rely on fear as a way to motivate yourself and the people around you. Or you're going to believe in love as a way to motivate yourself and the people around you. You can't do both.

You can't live in both worlds. In order to learn how to love yourself unconditionally and to stop criticizing yourself, you have to choose.

Do you love yourself? Or do you love yourself until you do something that you don't approve of and then you're going to lambaste yourself with criticism?

When we need to set boundaries with our loved ones, there are so many negative feelings that can arise—anger, hatred, fear rejection.

Our self-criticism truly is what stops us in our tracks.

When we love ourselves, unconditionally, we no longer have a fear of rejection, either by others or by ourselves.

Is being happily married equivalent to being enlightened?

How is being happily married equivalent to being enlightened?

Well, it depends on what your definition of enlightenment is.

I believe it to be something that we're trying to do as a culture as a species as a human species.

I like the 'think global, act local' kind of enlightenment.

In other words, I absolutely think it starts with each one of us. It has to be something that we choose inside of ourselves.

Then it extends out to your immediate environment to the people around you. You know your family, your friends, and I think your spouse is absolutely the hardest person to behave in an enlightened fashion with.

And then the next step is how do we contribute to enlightening the whole species.

This is a bodhisattva expression of what enlightenment. I could be having a great experience but if other people are not having an equally great experience or a somewhat great experience, then what difference does it make? Why is it interesting that I'm having a great experience?

So, in today's culture, lots of people are having little enlightenment experiences. I call these trippy experiences.

But I don't think that a trippy experience is the same thing as being enlightened.

I think, as a matter of fact, people who have trippy experiences they can spend a lot of energy trying to get back to that experience, or holding on to that experience, or it can be a way that you think you're special.

As a matter of fact, I consider these people who have had an enlightenment experience and then are spending a lot of energy trying to get back to that experience and holding their egos that "I'm enlightened," those to me are really sad lives actually.

So don't try to be like them.

What does the word ego, a word that's bandied about in enlightenment circles, but what would it mean in the context of an intimate relationship?

It would mean if you had an ego, that you're trying to protect yourself. You see yourself as an individual who's goals and needs, and well-being are separate.

Versus being interconnected, present, open to the to your environment, seeing that the well-being of one person is the well-being of everyone, seeing that you can't have a winner and a loser of an argument.

Especially in a home, especially in an intimate relationship, if one person wins at the expense of another person, it might work in the short run.

It's absolutely not going to work in the long run, in an intimate relationship.

The well-being of everyone includes you. You are included in every one.

For example, compassion is another example of 'think global, act local.'

Without self-compassion, compassion is forced, inauthentic, actually uncomfortable, and isn't going work in the long run.

The most beautiful kind of care you can give someone is open-hearted compassion that comes from your true heart.

And your heart is opened by self-compassion.

Another similarity between what I consider to be a happy marriage and enlightenment is that in each moment you know you're free to make an optimal choice.

It's moment by moment. It's not a bunch of rules about how people are behaving.

It's moment by moment, having freedom.

It's an enlightened perspective to know that you have freedom to make any choice in any moment.

And to want to make a choice that includes everyone that is optimal for everyone.

So, there's the enlightened person who had a big enlightenment experience, they're great in front of an audience, but they're horrible to their family. They're horrible in their home, their home environment. We've heard of these people.

Also, there's the great enlightened master who does very unethical things in their community, to their community members. Steals money or has sex inappropriately. We've all heard of these people.

I suggest a kind of enlightenment which is you, which is your choice to behave kindly, openly, compassionately, with presence, to your family members, to your loved one.

On a daily basis, this is contributing to the well-being of everyone on the planet.

Even though it may not seem like it, the more people that make this choice and you standing for this choice, you affect the people around you also to make this choice.

And really this is the only way we're going to survive as a species.

Go sign up for my newsletter if you want to learn more about how to clean up the ecosystem of your intimate relationship. Peace.

Is It Possible to be a Couple that Never Argues?

Is it really possible to be a couple that never argues?

 Pretty much, or if you do, argue, because it is a process, at least you know that you’re lapsing into an old-style thinking.

 You have a new way of understanding what causes arguments.

 In the old way of understanding what love is we have the idea that you're supposed to agree with the other person or care about them when they have bad feelings or help them out through their hard times or remember your anniversary.

 There are so many obligations that you're supposed to have that actually end up killing the spontaneous generosity and love in a relationship.

 Obligations are not a good way to connect with somebody or have intimacy.

 I'm certainly not saying that you don't care about the other person.

 It's just when it becomes an obligation that it is the beginning of the end for a relationship.

 When we first meet the other person, everything is generously given.

 It's not an obligation.

 And everything is rapturously received.

 In our old-style way of understanding what love is, love means agreeing on the same opinions.

 Now in the 21st century, the new way of understanding this is, love means agreeing to disagree.

 For me, the old-style way now just seems like holding the other person hostage, more than it seems like a useful way to live. together and let love beautifully spontaneously grow and thrive.

 This is actually the cause for all marital arguments.

 We misunderstand each other.

 Ninety percent of the time when we think we know what the other person is thinking, we actually have no idea.

And they're not going to be able to tell us in a context that's tense.

 So, if you relax all expectations they can actually tell you what their experience was. It seemed possibly like it was unfriendly but actually their intention was something perfectly friendly.

 We really have to let go of all the rules we have for how another person supposed to behave.

 Our society is becoming much less rule oriented. We used to have a top-down culture where we could try to follow rules.

 The rules just don't work anymore, and people are becoming much more interested in following their own unique moment-by-moment understanding of what their path needs to be.

 So, it's not a good idea anymore to try to even understand somebody when they just are going through their own unique path.

 The best way to support somebody is to believe in their unique path. Believe that they're a unique individual that has information that may not even be expressible, but they know what to do in each moment that makes sense to their life.

 Harvard psychologist Robert Keegan calls this a transition from a socialized state of mind to a self-led state of mind.

 In the socialized state of mind we believe “I follow the rules.”

 In a self-led mate state of mind, we believe “I have an identity. I make my own choices.”

 We don't need to even really understand their point of view anymore.

 We get to just trust them and love them and be a life-companion, without trying to understand.

 Without obligation the intimacy becomes easeful.

 And you don't need to ask anybody, “Why would you do that?”

 We don’t need to try to understand why somebody would try to do something, because it turns out that the question “Why would you do that is a critical question. You're basically criticizing somebody, when you ask them “Why would you do that ?”

 You can be interested in their point of view for fun.

But it's not the way arguments can be solved ever.

 If you find that you're reacting rather than responding to the other person, it means you have an inside job to do.

 It means that you need to take some time for self-compassion.

 Take some time, for snuggling yourself up in bed or in a hot bath and taking some time to find out why you're reacting.

 That opens up and that's useful information that, maybe, you might want to share with the other person.

 It might be connecting to share that information once you've calmed down, once you are feeling at peace.

 All these endless fights that we've all been having that never get resolved. They become grudges that we hold against the other person forever.

 All of these fights are now something that it's our responsibility to let go of.

 Or find the solution to, or figure out why it's triggering us.

 At least we know where to go to find the solution.

 Once you know where to go for the solution, which is inside, and you see how much better the inside information works to move your life forward, to move the problem forward, to find a solution, you really begin to trust that arguing is not the way to move your life forward anymore.

 Does that make sense?

It's really that simple.

Back when Michael and I were fighting all the time

Back when Michael and I were fighting all the time, there was a book about respecting one's husband to fix your marriage.

I kept buying and throwing it out.

I thought the language was totally sexist, and I thought that intimacy had nothing to do with respect.

I thought intimacy meant saying everything that was on your mind.

I kept buying it again because I had the sense that respect was part of the problem.

Then I had a realization that turned our marriage around. 

We loved each other so much.

But we argued all the time and that was really taking a toll on our relationship.

After my realization, we were able to have a completely easeful marriage where the love that was able to bloom.

Love is easy in a marriage based on unconditional love, or radical acceptance.

How do you have a marriage that's based on unconditional love or radical acceptance? How do you solve problems? What do you do

when you're upset or have some negative feedback that needs saying?

Martin Luther King said "Power without love is reckless and abusive and love without power is sentimental and anemic."

 When I talk about unconditional love, I'm not talking about a kind of fake compassion or a marriage where you can't solve problems or be intimate because you're so busy being nice to each other that nothing actually gets said.

I needed to unconditionally love Michael not because he was a man, not because he was my husband, but because 

1. human beings fail when they're exposed to criticism

2. human beings thrive when they're in an environment of kindness and respect

3. relationships fail when it becomes an environment of criticism

4. relationships thrive in an environment of acceptance and appreciation

The problem is is that our inner -environments are constant criticism.

That's why self-compassion teaches to speak to ourselves without criticism. 

And it naturally occurs that we speak to our intimate partners in a kind way.

So self-compassion is key to a what I call an unpolluted—a non-toxic marriage. 

Self-compassion is key to a home environment where your love can just naturally, beautifully thrive.

We need self-compassion, and learning how to do that is a conversation for another day.

 But also it's so key, just to get the idea what an enormous difference it can make to treat the other person as if the other person is the expert on themselves.

You're an expert on yourself.

Once you really start relying on self-compassion your ability to be an expert on yourself is magnified. 

But if you just get the concept that your partner really is the expert and the final word on their own path. If we think otherwise, we are simply not correct, and that can create all kinds of problems.

If they do something we don't agree with—say they like living in a messy space. And we think we have the more correct point of view, that is how we pollute our marriage. 

Their messy space may be key to their well-being. We simply have no way of knowing.

The idea that there is one correct way is old-style thinking—from the last century. Now we realize everyone has their own path to follow and getting really solid on that is what will create a great life for everyone in the family.

We need to catch up and learn how to solve problems differently, rather than deciding whose right and whose wrong. 

You get that the other person, in order to be connected to themselves and their own knowing, needs to be treated as if they HAVE their own knowing. 

That's a big deal. Most people don't have people around them that treat them that way -- as if they are the expert of themselves. It makes a tremendous difference.

Suddenly you have a totally different relationship where everyone is excited about the information that they're getting from their inner knowing. 

And their lives are moving forward because a solid connection with inner knowing moves your life forward. 

How does self-compassion clean-up a polluted marriage?

"I take care of everyone. But no one takes care of me," was one of my chief complaints.

My marriage was in bad shape.

Until I took up self-compassion as my main relational survival skill, I didn't know how to ask for help.

When I became the CEO of my own self-care, I was able to ask for help appropriately.

Let me say this—a win-lose marriage doesn't exist.

It's never true that one person wins an argument while another loses.

Either everyone is a winner OR everyone is a loser.

We are learning as a species how this is true globally—that we all win together, or we all lose.

Because a marriage is such a small eco-system, the win-lose mentality pollutes it quickly.

Your fates are so tied together, a marriage is so intimate. It's obvious when the marriage becomes a polluted ecosystem.

And you know when your marriage has become polluted.

We pollute our marriages entirely by mistake because we use old-style communication skills, which we learned growing up in our win-lose culture.

For example, because I didn't know how to get help, I would become angry. I avoided asking for help because I hated sounding angry or bossy.

But avoiding asking for help, that didn't work at all. I just got more and more resentful. So by the time I said something, for sure I sounded angry and bossy.

Then we'd argue, further polluting our marriage.

And I certainly didn't get the help I wanted.

How to ask effectively? Self-care, self-compassion, was the key that unraveled this mystery that had eluded me.

With self-compassion, I soothe myself until I know I'll be fine regardless of the outcome. Because I've spent time caring for myself, suddenly, I can feel some gratitude toward him. I'm calm and content enough that I no longer want to force or control the situation.

I don't approach giving feedback until I'm ready to approach the conversation with calmness, openness or curiosity.

What was once an argument in my mind has become a problem-solving opportunity.

Once I've taken some time for self-compassion, I naturally open my heart to my intimate partner. Now I can hear his point of view.

Our relationship is exciting and intimate when I can hear his point of view. I love this part.

If things become tense, we can take a break and come at it again.

Whatever was driving me crazy is no longer the main point. Now, it's about maintaining our relationship and pioneering new communication skills.

I feel happy and proud when we're resolved, even if it didn't resolve the way I thought it 'should.'

When I can ask peacefully, it's so much more likely I get the help I was originally looking for.

But also, I'm equally excited if it doesn't resolve the way I thought it 'should' because it means I heard him deeply, was able to open myself to his perspective.

The openness to change my mind, to hear his point of view, for me, is like learning something new. It's mind-expanding and thrilling.

We become so close when we're able to talk something through like this.

Our marriage feels clear and open. No more pollution. Now we are close and have trust.

We've expanded our intimacy.

With Great Marital Responsibility Comes Great Love

Distress in your marriage becomes peace and joy —when you take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings.

Inside yourself is the only place to find the clarity and centeredness required to create an optimal intimate relationship.

We can live in love and joy but only from the inside out. Inside ourselves is where we can be free of disempowering emotions.

I am not saying ‘take responsibility’ because it is your job to fix your intimate partner. Quite the contrary — the way we are all trying to fix each other IS the problem. 

Our culture teaches us to fix our problems by fixing everyone else, by thinking we know what is best for them. By thinking they are the problem. 

But you don’t end a war by finally forcing the other party to behave. Getting others to behave is how you create a permanent war zone — a toxic marriage. 

Fake sticky sweet love and compassion is not spiritual either. 

Fierce love is powerful. Disempowered victimized anger is throwing gasoline on the fire.  

You can powerfully, ferociously, stand for peace and love. Your ability to say ‘no’ is powerful when it comes from love. 

Not when it comes from disempowered anxiety and fear.

When you have the courage to go inside to end the war, it dissolves into care, bliss, love. 

Being grounded in love and benefit for both of you is the opposite of fixing our intimate partner. 

You can have a win-win marriage or a lose-lose marriage. There is no such thing as one person being the ‘winner’ in a marriage. You are either both winners or both losers. 

Anytime we treat our loved one like they need to behave better, we are doing to same to ourselves.

We don’t know that by criticizing him, it hurts our heart —more than we know. It holds us down. Prevents us from seeing ourselves as a piece of the divine, keeps us from knowing how precious you are.  

In the twentieth century, criticism was the tool our top-down authoritarian society kept its organizations running smoothly. 

And we do the same in our homes. We’re trying our best to keep everything running smoothly. But it’s exhausting, and it hurts our hearts. 

And criticism is how we try to control things — first ourselves and then by extension, our intimate partner. 

Our job right now as a human species is to re-educate ourselves in self-love and self-compassion. 

Our job right now is to learn to love and trust ourselves and by extension, automatically, spontaneously our intimate partner.

How could self-compassion create a more intimate relationship?

Self-compassion skills are actually crucial to maintaining a good relationship with your intimate partner.

For example, I had often asked Michael for help in a way almost to assure I was NOT going to get support—especially in those moments when I was most miserable. Why is it when we need help the most, we lose our ability to ask for help?

What I thought was that he was supposed to 'know' how to be helpful.

He would ask, "What can I do to help?" And since I had no idea how to answer, I would get angry and push him away.

And the fight that would ensue, these kinds of fights: me feeling profoundly disappointed and uncared for and him feeling I was dangerous and crazy. These kinds of fights were really hard on our relationship.

Instead, with self-compassion, I knew how to get support in a way I never had previously.

Using self-compassion first, when he said: "What can I do to help?" I knew exactly what was needed.

Once I had a good self-compassion practice, I might need some time curled up in bed like a fetus, but then I was able to get super clear.

Clear inside of myself, the kind of clarity that comes from self-compassion, has a different feel than any other kind of solutions. It feels perfectly clear.

With self-compassion, I knew specifically, exactly what would be helpful, and I knew how to ask for help.

Or if I didn't could say, "I don't yet know what would be helpful but thank you. I'll get back to you if I think of something. You are so sweet to ask."

Save the Planet/ Save your Marriage

For humans to survive on this planet, a change needs to happen inside of each one of us.

And that same change creates a joyful marriage.

Because the planet is at such a critical juncture, I need to tell the hard truth—we each need to decide to be grown-ups.

Each one of us individually needs to make this choice, which is the only way it can happen. Because you have free will, no one else can make this choice for you.

And it's the most important thing that needs to happen. Everything else will flow from here.

You have to decide for yourself that you want to live a life of kindness and devoted to the benefit of everyone.

Because you are included in 'everyone' it means you are choosing a life of kindness to yourself.

It's a choice, and it's an evolution. The first evolution in history to occur by choice.

Once enough of us make this choice, it's mainstream, and we'll know what to do about the laggards. We can't wait for others to behave before we decide to live our own best life.

And the best way to practice being a grown-up is inside of intimate relationships. Our marriage is the place where each of us regularly confronts our most un-grown up self.

How to become a grown-up in your marriage? Two changes:

ONE—learn self-compassion skills, so you can dig in and care for yourself BEFORE you try to solve problems in your marriage.

With self-compassion, you know how to care for your 'stuff.' Only then you are ready to give feedback and make requests in your marriage.

TWO—each one of us has to give up the fantasy that our intimate partner owes us anything other than companionship.

They don't need to agree with our opinions, remember our anniversary, or behave in any way that we deem correct. They can if they want to—but they have free will too.

This misconception, misunderstanding, mis-education, that we are taught about love causes all arguments. Literally.

If you are a precious expression of the divine with a unique mission, so is your partner. Treat them like that, then your knowledge of yourself as the divine increases.

And then......when your partner chooses to do something for you, it's not out of heavy, yucky, love-killing obligation.

It's pure love and generosity.