The Quickest Fix for a Polluted Marriage

It’s funny now.

Or sad.

Or both….

Michael and I both agreed that since I was an expert—a professional psychologist, coach and a big meditator—I should figure out all the family’s problems.

And then simply tell him what to do.

He had other stuff to do. He was busy running a business.

So he delegated the job of ‘figuring out life’ to me.

Lots of families have similar agreements, that the wife is the expert of the children, the family psychologist and the spiritual heart of the family.

Comedians joke about this. In fact, there are whole sitcoms based on this joke, that the man should ‘just do what the wife says.’

But Byron Katie says:

“I can find only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s”

I didn't know I was that I wasn’t minding my own business.

But I was infantilizing him.

Not surprisingly, he disconnected from me in a million little ways. He felt irritated and unappreciated. He was depressed and lost his confidence.

A criticism here, a sarcastic look, an eye rolled, an argument — before we knew it, we are living in misery.

No intimacy, no romance, no sex. Our relationship was polluted.

We had polluted it through poor communication skills.

Poor problem-solving skills.

Quite unconsciously.

When I stopped treating him like a child, he naturally wanted to be responsible.

QUICK FIX: CLEAN UP YOUR ECOSYSTEM AND LOVE THRIVES

It works almost immediately—if you stop critiquing your intimate partner. Stop thinking you know what they need to do.

When they ask you, simply say, “Whatever you think.”

Because it is “whatever he thinks.” His choices are the only ones that will make his life work.

No two of us are meant to make the same choices along the way.

Each of us has our own individual lessons to learn along the way.

Obviously—THIS IS TRUE FOR BOTH OF YOU.

If your inner-knowing is your best compass, the same is true for everyone else as well.

Your intimate partner can’t find his inner-voice if you are talking over it.

If you want a quickie fix—this is it. Try just this for a few weeks and see the transformation.

Non-critiquing is so fundamental that it works quickly.

The love was there all along. But you can’t grow a garden in polluted soil.

Love needs a healthy environment in which to thrive and then it can thrive quite naturally.

If you simply stop, have a self-imposed moratorium—you will be amazed at how fast things change for the better in your marriage.

SIMPLY STOPPING critiquing is NOT going to give you the capacity for self-compassion or the capacity to connect deeply with your intimate partner—but it will be the biggest, fastest change you will see.

THIS IS THE QUICK FIX. It is the quickest clean-up for a polluted marriage.