The Constellation of Parts

As one of the very fastest growing psychotherapies, IFS is remarkably simple. So simple, in fact, there are several books supporting the do-it-yourselfer.

PROTECTOR

Something or someone hurt you when you were small. (Obviously, this has happened to all of us.)

Because you didn’t get training in self-compassion at the time, you developed Protectors (Manager and Firefighter) as a way to protect against the pain.

Since you were young at the time, your Protectors are still young and have immature solutions. When they’re threatened, they display childish behavior.

The Protector's goal is to make sure you’ll never be hurt in that way ever again.

The Part they are protecting is called an Exile. The Exile, the wounded child, is the hidden part we don’t often see.

The Protectors are really good at hiding the Exile, so we don’t often feel the pain of the Exiles.

Instead, most of the problems we have with ourselves are from the immature efforts of the Protectors to do their jobs.

There are two protectors - the Manager and the Firefighter

MANAGER

Their job is to keep the Exile (‘wounded child’) hidden away for our safety. They carry the burdens of fear and responsibility.

They want to keep things perfect and under control.

Self-criticism is their most effective tool. For example, if we don’t something the Manager doesn’t like, it will criticize us until we reform.

They admit to being tired of their jobs, the always-on responsibility and control is exhausting

But they feel everything would fall apart if they stopped.

The more we rely on the Manager, the more we are likely to control and manage our intimate partner.

FIREFIGHTER

Firefighters deploy when a Manager isn’t successful at keeping an Exile hidden away.

They’ll do anything to avoid the feelings and thoughts associated with the pain the Exile is holding.

Like real firefighters, a Firefighter Part is a hero and will do anything for they view as an emergency.

Firemen will use their ax to break down your front door, they’ll smash your windows, flood your house with water.

Likewise, Firefighter Parts will indulge in drugs, alcohol, food, sex, anger, etc. Anything to distract from the Exiles pain.

Firefighters claim they like what they do and don’t want to stop. They feel embarrassed, ashamed, and isolated but appear to not care about the consequences of their actions.

For example, in marriage, anger is a tool of the Firefighter.

Once the Firefighter has done her job, then the Manager regains control by with her tools of criticism and control.

In a marriage, as long as your parts are at war with each other, they’ll always be war in your relationship. Because their solutions are short term and immature fixes and not real solutions, they need to assume the same roles over and over.

POLARIZING MANAGER AND FIREFIGHTER

We tend to swing back and forth between the two.

For example, your Manager is hard on you with “tough self-talk”, self-criticism, self-bullying. You force ourselves to soldier through a situation.

When you can’t take it anymore, you’ll swing to indulging yourself—like sounding off on someone. Or eating that ice cream, having a drink, anything to avoid the exhausted controlling Manager. Then the Manager takes back control with self-criticism and it goes on and on indefinitely.

Michael and I would both ‘firefight’ the situation (have a big argument trying hysterically to solve things.) Then we’d have our make-up quick-fix and get the manager back in the controlling position. We’d vow to do better next time, apologize, etc.

But nothing was solved. The Manager offers the illusion of things being under control.

THE TRUE SELF

The maturity of the True Self is ultimately wise.

When the protectors are befriended by the True-Self, the whole system is soothed, comforted and illuminated.

Another way of saying this:

Once your self-compassion is available you're more flexible with what was once a Protector’s rigid behavior.

An example:

A Manager Part who thinks she’s obliged to be the responsible but feels exhausted and put upon. Using the skill of self-compassion, she’s likely to feel more relaxed when things feel out of control.

Transformation occurs when the protectors are befriended by the True-Self.