Is It Possible You'll Never Have a Fight Again?

Is it really possible to be a couple that NEVER fights?

(If you do fight—and you will, it’s a process— you know you are lapsing into old training.) 

But you know the futility of fighting with anyone —that it’s an inside job.

As our culture defines marriage is based on “love = sharing the other person’s point of view.” It’s an obligation.

“Love = agreeing to disagree” is going to create a more vibrant and resilient marriage.

For me, who stopped thinking I needed to share opinions about a decade ago, the way we are doing it looks like holding the other person hostage.

If they don’t have the same opinions, we argue.

It’s the basis of all marital arguments.

Couples go all through couple counseling with the goal in mind -- to be able to swap opinions (especially opinions about each other.)

Humans are transitioning out of top-down rules. People in our culture are becoming more self-defining and each more uniquely themselves.

Harvard developmental Psychologist Robert Kegan calls it the transition​ from Socialized State of Mind (“I follow the rules, others determine how I see myself”)​ to Self-Leadership ("I have an identity. I make choices"). 

I am suggesting that we value this in ourselves MORE and in our loved ones MORE. 

They have their point of view, you have yours.

You get to simply love someone with no need to agree.

You can be interested in their POV for fun, but it’s not what love is, or how arguments are solved.

Taking responsibility means you know that if you are reacting (rather than responding) that means you have an inside job to do.

I use Internal Family Systems Therapy ( which has a strong spiritual component) to teach people how to do the INSIDE work.

Once you see how much better the INSIDE information works—the download that comes from the True Self—how much better this works, then arguing is extinct.

Does that make sense? It's really that simple.

The key is developing the trust in the inside work, then arguing just falls away.