How Does an 'Inside Job' Help my Relationship?

How can an ‘inside job’ help a relationship?

With self-compassion, I knew how to get support in a way I never had previously, because I knew how to ask for it and I knew specifically, exactly what was needed.

Especially in those moments when I was most miserable, I had often asked Michael for help in such as a way to almost assure I was NOT going to get support.

He was supposed to ‘know’ what to do to care for me. He would ask “What can I do to help?” And since I had no idea how to answer, I would get angry and push him away.

With self-compassion first I knew exactly what to ask for.

Or I could say, “I don’t know yet. Thank you. I’ll get back to you.”

You’re the CEO of yourself. Your True self has the skills to self-soothe.

And then you can delegate whatever support you need. Even if you are completely triggered or stressed, you know how to ask for it appropriately.

SELF-COMPASSION CREATES COMPASSION FOR YOUR INTIMATE PARTNER

When you use self-compassion, you become naturally, spontaneously compassionate toward others. Compassion for your intimate partner is not something you have to work on or develop. It just grows naturally as a result of the compassion we have for ourselves.

The only reason, the only time, you ever lack in compassion is when you can’t tolerate the other person’s feelings. You freeze and cut the other person's feelings off because you’re blocking the feelings inside you.

With self-compassion, no feelings ever need to be shut down — yours or his.

Parts of yourself that were being held back by fear of your thoughts and feelings, hold wisdom and empowerment that is now accessible.

In fact, you find it such a rich resource of healing knowledge, that you almost fall in love with the negative feelings.

But compassion without SELF-compassion can be sticky-sweet and fake.

Starting with SELF-compassion as opposed to OTHER-compassion your heart is truly open to the suffering of others. You aren’t just being compassionate because you think that’s what you are supposed to do.

OTHER-compassion without SELF-compassion can easily become exhausting and inauthentic.

You find your true voice.

You’re open and loving when that’s what is needed OR wrathfully loving when necessary. You are able to bite your tongue when necessary and you're able to speak up and set limits when that is what’s needed.

You are able to be solution-oriented in tough conversations instead of blaming.

You are able to have a tough conversation with integrity—conversations about everybody getting their needs met, rather than winning a point. Your conversation is about connection rather than winning.

Profound spiritual-psychological forces are at work with self-compassion.

I am not going to try to explain or understand concepts like shadow, mirror, holographic universe, etc.

Instead I prefer ideas which lead to action. As high minded as those ideas are, I think they are obvious when you see them in action.

Instead, I’m simply going to say, that when you focus on yourself everything changes. A fight that you thought would end your marriage can disappear.

If you keep focusing on the other person as the ‘problem’ it will never change. You’ll stay stuck in the same cycle.

FIRST DO NO HARM

My best suggestion, at first, is that you stop all critical conversation or feedback. Just take a moratorium.

You don’t need to analyze problems to be intimate, quite the contrary.

At the very least you’ll stop fighting and give your relationship a chance to breathe.

Simply this can totally turn things around. The love is there, it just needs a chance to take root again.